July 1, 2013

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Lately I've been feeling so much like no one is ever going to be able to cope with me because I'm such a mess. I'm never ever going to be able to find someone who can handle me and my sickness. There is no one out there who could look after me and not get fed up with me. Like everyone else, they'll wash their hands of me.

If only I could do the same. If you've been following this blog and my work (and me) for any amount of time you'll know how hard it is for me to get over things and let things go and cope with loss and things coming to an end. More reasons for me to worry about no one ever being able to put up with me. I'm just that crazy obsessed psycho girl who will stalk you into the next century and will absolutely end up making photographs about you. 

I feel pretty hopeless. And then I get angry at myself for thinking these things when I'm only 19 years old but then I justify it because I know it's just how my brain is and then I get sad and the thoughts I just typed out come back and it's a really horrible way to be. 

This is actually pathetic and I have no idea why I'm sharing any of this but I really love this photo and these are the thoughts that fueled its making so here we are. I feel this picture is not unlike some of Robert Mapplethorpe's work so I gave it a tight square crop as a little nod to him. 

3 comments:

  1. I checked your blog because the photo is gorgeous but I kept reading cos I know how much it sucks to look at yourself and just think 'wtf why can't I just be happy or stop being crazy or wake up and not feel like something is wrong'. I often wonder how anyone puts up with me when I can't stand being in my own head and I feel like my crazy would terrify anyone who saw it at its worst, its most uncontrolled and unreasonable. I know it sucks to feel defective and no matter how you try to rationalise that your brain doesn't work the way you want it doesn't make you feel better when you can't cope. I really hope you find something that helps you forget the crazy. I can't promise you'll find someone but I did and he wasn't afraid of my crazy, it was me that was scared to show him.
    Dunno if that makes sense or will help but it's nice to see someone really talking about how they actually feel about something like this.

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    Replies
    1. thanks kat and I'm glad you like the photo and the post and yep thank you :)

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