in my head

There’s been a post sitting in my drafts for weeks now. Every spare moment I've had over the last three weeks, I’ve opened it, convinced that this time I’d finally find the right words, or write that one sentence that would make it all make sense. Each adjustment felt like it might be the one to crack it. But instead, every edit has pushed me further away from whatever it was I was trying to say. Now, I don’t even know if I could tell you what the post was supposed to be about. It’s just a tangle of sentences and paragraphs that no longer feel connected to each other, or to me. And now, unfortunately, here I am - right where I was worried I’d end up when I decided to revive this blog. In my own head.

I am frustrated with myself for letting this happen, for letting old insecurities creep back in. Sharing here was supposed to feel like stepping away from the pressure to make things perfect. This blog was never meant to be about perfection. If anything, it was supposed to be about the opposite - throwing ideas out there, testing things, and letting thoughts live outside the confines of my brain. But somewhere along the way, I forgot that. I got caught up in the idea that every post has to be something profound or super important.

That draft I’ve been wrestling with? I don’t think I’ll ever post it. It’s too far gone. I’ve reworked it so much that it’s lost whatever spark it had at the beginning, the thing that made me want to write it in the first place. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve let the overthinking win this one. And yet, even as I feel disappointed in myself, I think it’s important to acknowledge that this happens. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way sometimes.

We don’t always know what we're doing. A lot of the time, the things we choose to share hide the mess behind the scenes. Evidently, not everything I write feels like it has a purpose. Some of it isn’t good. Some of it will never see the light of day.

And that’s okay.

Because the point of this blog - and, honestly, maybe, the point of creating anything - isn’t to be perfect. It’s to try, to explore, and to share what feels meaningful, even if it is messy, even when it doesn’t always work out.

I might not have gotten that draft I was working on to a place where I want to share it, but at least I can share this. This frustration, this process, this lesson. Sometimes, the things we make don’t go anywhere. Sometimes, we get stuck. And sometimes, walking away is the best thing we can do.

So here I am walking away from the draft. And here’s me reminding myself that that is completely okay.

Now that I have done this I feel like I can move onto the other ideas I have. This is like a reset. And also just a reminder that this blog does still exist and I do intend to keep it going. Sorry to have kept all 21 of you who have been reading these posts waiting!

Here's a photograph for good measure.