what now?

As I write this, one of the most challenging years of my life is finally drawing to a close. "When will you ever NOT have a shitty year?" I hear you ask. I’d love to know the answer to that. The past four years seem to have been in competition for the title of "worst year ever." I’d kill for a break.

This year did bring one highlight: my first solo exhibition - something I’d dreamed of for over a decade. It was a chance to showcase a project that has meant so much to me, though working on it nearly broke me. Worse still, it was a project I felt like my entire practice had been building toward for years.

The opportunity came about unexpectedly. In April 2023, I gave a talk at Belfast Exposed’s Healing Through Photography conference. Reflecting on the scope and depth of my practice for that talk was the first time I began to truly understood how everything I’d created over the years had led me to that exact moment. After my talk, Catriona Osborne approached me about curating a show of my work. That show would become To Jack.

To Jack was exhibited in October at The Limerick Museum for a brief but meaningful few weeks. It celebrated the chosen relationship between me and my Dad, taking a performative approach to present my family archive within the museum space. The project felt like a natural evolution from my earlier work, Every Saturday, which - surprise, surprise - had also up to that point left me emotionally drained.

This work has always been about correcting the historical record, affirming my identity, and making peace with the past. Over the last five years, I’ve found some cathartic moments working through different iterations of this story. But as the opening date of To Jack loomed closer, I found myself in a spiral. I was crying at my desk most days, pouring everything into this project, and pinning my hopes on finally “feeling better” once it was out in the world, in this, its 'ultimate' and most legitimate form.

The opening came and went. I felt proud. But then... I felt utterly gutted. What now? What could possibly follow this? How can I continue as an artist when it feels like this was what everything was leading to - like this was actually the point of it all?

For nearly a decade, I’ve built a practice around using photography as a way to understand and heal from the things that have shaped me. Every project has been a test: how brave could I be? How far could I push myself? All of it, it seems, was preparing me to tackle this, the most profound and personal work I’ve ever done.

And now that it’s out there, I’m left asking: what now?

I care deeply about photography - not just as a medium, but as a way to communicate, express, and connect. It’s not something I could ever walk away from. I’m so grateful to past Clare for keeping this blog, a space for me to untangle my thoughts. I will probably be writing here a lot more as I navigate what comes next now that That is behind me. Consider this post both a reintroduction and a return. Where do I go from here? What now? What now? What now?