11:41

It's hard to believe that this date three months ago was the last time I ever got to see my best friend. I remember it really well. It was a Wednesday and I was rushing around the house getting ready to leave. I was standing at the microwave and she came over, wedged herself in between me and the press and put her head between my legs (and up my skirt haha). I gave her head a little pat and told her how good she was, but it wasn't much. If I had known that that would be the last time I ever touched her and felt her fur or spoke to her... ugh I can't even think about it. 

I went to college and fought sleep in a lecture. I noticed towards the end my mam kept calling me. I didn't answer,  I was so annoyed because my phone kept vibrating. I remember checking the time on my phone at 11:41. I told myself I'd call her as soon as I was out but obviously, I forgot. I hung around college for a while, I think we went to the canteen and had a chat. 

I eventually remembered to text her. Marley had died suddenly at 11:41. I collapsed in a heap outside the studio in college and thought I was going to throw up. I kept saying "no". No no no no no. No way was this happening. Marley was only 4 years old and had so much life left and just no, my best friend cannot be gone.

But she is and now it's been three months and we already have a replacement dog that everyone seems to love way more than they loved Marley and I hate myself for being so resentful but I can't stand him and keep comparing him to her and I honestly don't think I'll ever let myself love him - never in the way I loved Marley.

To think that a puppy that we bought in a pet shop in Crumlin for €100 could have had the impact she did on my life is crazy, but she pulled me through the most awful times. I was the first person in the family to hold her, I picked her (from a cardboard box full of 6 other bouncing border collie puppies), I named her (after Robert Neville's daughter in the film I Am Legend - and Bob of course), I brought her on her first walk (and her last), I brought her to puppy classes (which she was kicked out of), I trained her (she learned every trick she knew in one day, collies are geniuses), I fed her every morning and night (even though she never ate), I brushed her (even though she hated it and would bite me). She wasn't the family's pet, she was mine. 

I feel like no one understands how important she was to me. Really, you have no idea. She was my world and I've already said it a million times but she really was my best, best friend. The last three months have been absolutely terrible and it still hurts so much every day. I can't even bring myself to walk the new dog -  I tried the other day and couldn't even keep my composure long enough to put my shoes on. 

I just feel like this pain will never ever go away. It makes me sick knowing I wasn't there with her in her final ,moments, I would give anything to get to hug her and tell her how much I love her and thank her for everything.

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This is the first time I've actually like, written all this out so this kind of helped even though it made me cry. A lot. Marley (like Tenoso) was probably one of the most photographed pets in all of Ireland, legit. She was a great model and like I mentioned in that last post about her, our place where we used to go is also kind of the place where I began taking photographs. If it wasn't for Marley, I would have ever had a reason to go there so who knows ~do I owe it all to her?~ I don't know. But she was there that first time I finally brought a camera out and started making pictures  - I used to have to wrap her lead around my ankle so I could steady my hands.

So yeah, this is a scheduled post. I am away at the moment in Waterford with a friend so I'm excited to take some pictures there. 

Despite all this, things are kind of great right now. I've moved on from the mindset which created my ten picture narrative. I'm not focusing on the negatives anymore, the positives are finally coming into focus and I am moving onwards and upwards (upwards and onwards?). No idea how long this will last, but fingers crossed I will be okay for a while. I'm tired of making depressing work. 

And finally, I made my first submission to The Fair the other night so I guess it's pretty official now, I work for a magazine. Check out the latest issue here, it's pretty good.