am i still an artist?

The last few months have felt like trying to push a square peg into a round hole. The rejections have been free flowing and plentiful, across both art opportunities and any feeble attempts to get out of retail. I did catch myself out a little though in realising that churning out loads of vague and half formed thoughts here on this blog was kind of like a performance to myself, to prove that there is still artist blood pumping in my veins. I needed to at least appear to be continuing to pursue creativity and my art practice - even if it was only with words and no images ever really truly came. In honest truth, any images of my own that I've shared here over the last six months had generally been made long before those six months and I used conceptualising them to try and make myself feel better about the fact that I have absolutely no desire whatsoever at present to make new ones. 

The big issue is, now that 'To Jack' and all my very many deeply personal project are done, sorted, "healed-from", and packed away, I actually truly, deep down in my heart, have absolutely no idea what I care about making. Yes, I have concepts that interest me, and a pretty well developed (and dare I say - recognisably defined) aesthetic, but both those things neither independently nor together do a "real" "photography" project make. And if there is one thing I have had hammered into me over the course of my education it is that if it's not a "real" "photography" project, it does not count for shit and you will have nowhere to go with it due to all the open calls, awards, and competitions that are worth anything wanting a minimum of 10-15 cohesive images (and let's all say it together: labeled firstname_lastname_001.jpg, XXXdpi and XXXXpx on the longest side!!!) with a project description. WHY. 

I have no studio and an art community that consists of my own shadow and my cat. Am I still an artist? Do I get to call myself that? I don't feel like one now, as I watch my CV gather cobwebs and no prospects on the cards for this year. 

As you can tell, I've been feeling pretty down about this and it was starting to take a toll on the mental health I've been trying so hard to hold together with counselling, moving around, and writing furiously in my journal. I don't want to let this negative thought cycle derail me right now. So I have made a decision -  I'm going to stop trying to push that square peg into the round hole, and I'm taking my foot off the gas. I am going to take a little bit of that pressure off myself and hope that if an idea wants to come to me, it will come to me. I also hope that by releasing this pressure of forced interest to keep up with an art world and climate that often feels like it's running away without me (I see you all in Arles right now) will mean my natural joy for this thing I’ve loved and cared about for so long might find its way back to me. 

I don't think that means this blog goes silent though as I have started to really enjoy writing about other things - music and media in particular. So while I might not be out here word vomiting art practice fodder, I might still be here talking about Jimmy Eat World, football, and anything else I like, really. Sorry if you don't want that, it's what you're gonna get!