why do i do it?

Through full bodied sobs I asked myself this question over and over as I worked on Every Saturday.  Thinking about this time in my life roused up deeply suppressed emotions and memories which made every day I sat down at my desk a real struggle. As well as confronting the trauma surrounding my relationship with my biological father, something else was stirring in me. The realisation that this whole thing had been kept somewhat of a secret within my family, and what that meant for our relationship, became the main source of tears. There was also part of me that felt guilty about not ever really feeling able to communicate to my Dad how I felt, and I wondered if he thought about me having any regrets about my decision, or if I ever had a desire to reconnect with my biological father. I needed to make sure that he knew this was not the case, never has been, and never would be. I needed him to know how much I love him, and how lucky and thankful I am that he also chose me - because I know my father hadn't made it easy for him. 

I am writing this now in the kitchen of my family home, on my first proper visit since my family came to Belfast to see Every Saturday at Belfast Exposed. Something has changed, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I feel more comfortable here - not that I ever felt uncomfortable before, but there was just always something. I have noticed a massive change in my Dad - there's almost a sense of relief about him. The 'secret' is out, and now my Dad knows without a shadow of a doubt that I love him and that if I had to do it over again, I would choose him every time. 

So I guess this is why I do it. Even though I couldn't have known for certain that making this work and sharing it with my family would have changed our lives like this, I had to take the risk. There were times when the tears were fuelled by fear - fear that my family would be embarrassed, upset, or ashamed to have this story out in the world, but I had to do it for myself. I'm just so glad that it worked out to be beneficial for us all. There have been moments when I've really questioned my decision to build an art practice around this idea of forcing myself to face up to some of the most heartbreaking and difficult times in my life, but results like this make it worth it. 

Although this project isn't quite finished - and might never be, it has sparked further questions and doubt surrounding the art practice I have built. Is this way of working sustainable? Must I now 'wait' for something else to happen to me before I have a new project, theme, topic, or subject to explore? Maybe not. The way of working which I have developed over the last two years or so might give me the chance to, for the first time in a very long time, move away from making deeply personal and private work. Could the way that I work with images lend itself to exploring more broad themes and topics which look beyond myself? I think that is the next challenge, and it's an exciting step in a new direction for my practice. Let's just hope nothing happens in the mean time that gives me ammo for another personal project!