November 25, 2014

absent

I don't know where to begin with this one. You all probably forgot this blog even existed. I kind of did myself. Things have been very bad lately. Probably the worst they've ever been, and I say that every time, but I think it's really true in this case. The last month and a half/two months or so have been absolute hell on earth. Literally I have never been so low in my life and I've had thoughts that scared me to death, or rather nearly to death, if you catch my drift. 

I basically dropped out of college and haven't made a photograph since the very beginning of October. The greatly anticipated photographs from Cork Fashion Week are dormant and collecting dust still living in the back of my camera, wrapped around the spool.

The last week has seen a significant improvement and today was my return to college, where I met with my tutor to try figure out what the fuck I'm going to do about all I've missed. I like to think that karma will play some kind of part in all of this and everything will work out just as a "reward" for making it through the difficult times without offing myself. I want to complete this year in college and I can't believe I might have messed up my chance to.

I was very, very sick though. And it was only coming out of this period of darkness in my life that I realize just what stupid notions and taboo still surrounds mental illness. When I took two weeks off work my doctor didn't hesitate to write "influenza" on my sick note when he really should have written depression. Someone in work asked me "what are you depressed for?". Family members told me that I'd "just have to get out of bed and try to make an effort". What is that like? Why didn't my doctor write what was really wrong with me? It's a legitimate reason to take time off from work. Would my friend in work as someone "what they had diabetes for?". Would my family tell someone with a broken leg to "just get out of bed and try" to get on with their life?

As I begin to feel better and attempt to complete a mountain of college work, I've found myself thinking a lot about this as a topic on which to make work based on. I am probably going to incorporate my experiences over the last while into one of my projects in an attempt to wrap it up, and even get a sense of closure on the whole emotional journey. I guess I'm getting back into using photography in a way that's therapeutic and helping me understand what is going on with myself.

I hope you're all well in anyways. It feels good to be posting here again.

Until next time.

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