March 1, 2014

things i hate about my body

Lately I've been working on a project which has been making me think about the ways we share our bodies with each other and how we do that and what it means. You all know how I feel about skin and what it means to me to show somebody myself when I'm at my most vulnerable - in nothing but my skin. It's really hard for me to do this because I am an incredibly insecure person and I let what I see as my 'flaws' cripple me completely. 

Taking inspiration from the likes of Lindsay Bottos and Sophie Calle, I went into the studio today to photograph and examine the tiny parts of my making which cause the strong self-hatred I feel every time I look in a mirror or at a photograph of myself. I wanted to see if by forcing myself to look right at the parts which most cause my self esteem to suffer, would I be able to accept (and maybe even start to like) the body I've grown into.

My eyes and face and shoulders and mouth. I apparently had some kind of operation one of my eyes when I was a baby which has made one of them more hooded than the other or something and they're really uneven and when I make a straight face I feel ridiculous because eyes are supposed to be pretty and the part that love interests are supposed to notice about you first and "get lost in" and mine are awful and it's really hard to put liquid eyeliner on. Then of course there's my face in general, pudgy in comparison to the rest of me with no actual bone structure whatsoever. Usually very red. Also I have man shoulders. My mouth is just weird looking. And my lips are too thin. 

My back and skin and hair. One word: bacne. Also my hair. My hatred for my hair knows no bounds. Apart from it being fucking curly, it is really thin and fine and it physically will not grow past my shoulders and I hate it and I have roots now which is my fault really but it's still really gross and I should probably do something about that. 

My side profile. I look like a satellite dish or something. I look like my aunt. I have my grandad's nose (that's not a good thing).

My biggest (smallest) insecurity. 32A. Just going to leave that there.

My nails. Can't ever remember a time in my life when I didn't bite my nails. I have never had long nails. Ever. I have nubs. And they're gross but it hasn't stopped me biting them.

My feet. I have really weird feet. I have my mother's feet. "Doyle feet". I hate them.


Typing all of that out was oddly therapeutic. And reading back over it kind of made me realise how ridiculous it is. As a photographer I should know better than anyone that we all see the world differently meaning that we all see each other differently. What I absolutely despise about myself could be someone else's favourite thing. My "cute"* hands, "great"* hair, "pretty"* face. I know that I'm never going to love my body, but I really shouldn't hate it as much. (*actual things that have been said to me by an actual person!) I was expecting some kind of resolution from this, some body-positive conclusion whereby examining my flaws I learn to love them but this is not the case. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable in my skin, but perhaps acknowledging that I'm not perfect and attempting to accept that is the best I can do for now.

This series is a work in progress, and I am too.


  1. Fat people are a weight on society. The reason they are fat is because they are lazy and weak in both body and mind. I don't understand how you can be so disgusting and just be ok with it. Do they not care that they are inconvenient to others and they are going to die early?

    And I HATE that people now consider it a disease and that they can get handi cap parking passes. Being fat isn't a disease, they people themselves are the disease on society. I understand that some have a genetic disorder but lets face it, 1 that is maybe 1% of fat people. And even if they do have a genetic disorder, if they tried hard enough and weren't mentally weak they could push through.

    So suck it up you fucking fat fucks, and either get your stupid lazy asses in shape or just fucking go away!