April 21, 2013

I can't take photographs in focus anymore. It doesn't feel right. It's not accurate. It's not how I feel. Why is it that when I look through the viewfinder and "focus" my shot, in the seconds before I press the shutter, I quickly twist my lens to blur my subject? What is making me do this? 

These photos in particular were made at a place that is very special to me. A place I used to go all the time with Marley and a place I think of as the birthplace of my photography (but that's another story for another day). The Dodder river runs through a park a few minutes from my house and I go there all the time, I always have. There is one little secret, hidden spot of riverbank that was mine and Marley's though. We used to go there all the time and I'd sit down and take photographs and she'd run around or swim in the river. I have spent hours and hours of my life there, and today was the first time I wanted (needed) to go back since she passed away.

I think about her all the time, but today it was just constant. I really, really miss(ed) her today and I guess I thought that maybe going to our spot would help. It did and it felt like she was there. It was the strangest feeling. I really can't describe it but I felt her...presence? This probably sounds ridiculous but it's true. It was the closest I'd felt to her since the morning I left her forever. It was really overwhelming and strange and I got really worked up and upset. I felt like a dope sitting there on my own sobbing, oohhhh Clare. 

These photos look to me like how the world looks when you're crying. Your eyes well up and you can't see properly. You look to the ground because you don't want anyone to see you, or you look to 'heaven' and ask "why?". I don't want to see a world without her. The world isn't right. And it's not going to be right for a long time. Marley was my best best friend, she really was and I loved her with all of my heart. 

Everything in life right now is making me want to run away and hide under a rock. I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't focus, and I don't want to. If I think, I'll feel. If I sleep, I'll miss out. If I focus, I'll see. And all these things are stressing me out. 

This time next week I will have finished college for the summer and hopefully all this will be gone and I can start taking "proper"photographs again.

(Ughh why do I get so sappy and emotional on this blog what is wrong with me)

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